Alone in the Night

This is when it hurts the most. When I feel the pain of a very large part of my life, of my soul, yanked and ripped from me the most. I seduce sleep to come quickly, knowing it's my only solace between lying my head down and waking the next morning. Pills, TV, a little light, they don't help. I hear their voices in the next room. They sound so distant. I know in a moment's notice, if I call they will be by my side. Yet I feel so alone, so far away from any loved one. Like I have no one to turn to in my time of need. I feel incomplete lying in any bed without her by my side. I can't imagine this being anything like what she went through for almost a year and now has to again.

Even now, in my severe heartache, I cannot stop wanting to protect her with everything I am. I hurt for her that I could not, and can not now protect her the way I want to, completely. She is braver than I am, than I ever will be. I long to hear her voice saying, "come be with me. Come wrap me in your safe, strong arms." I long to feel her fit perfectly in my arms once again. I am thankful every night for the people that watch over her and take care of her for I know I no longer can the way I used to. All I can be now is a dear friend and protect her the way I protect everyone around me. I no longer can protect her like a lover, like my fiancee, like mine. We both hope for more again someday, but neither of us expect it.

I pray earnestly that God's will be done and that He will help us heal quickly. I pray for sleep and comfort for both of us. I pray for any sort of relationship with her once again. I pray that this hurt that I feel, that I know she feels, does not overwhelm her being added to the pain that is already in her heart. I pray that she find someone who can give her what she needs, for I can not now. I was put in her life to save her, I proudly did that. I was not meant to be her life partner, her soulmate. At least not for now. I pray that we belong together in the future, but that is pure selfishness coming out of pain at this point. Out of that same selfishness, I pray the He change us enough to live a life happily together.

She was everything to me. She is everything to me. She was my counterpoint. She balanced me. She was going to be my wife, the mother of my children, the keeper of my home. All of that is gone. Why? Because of something so simple as needs in partners. Her needs in a partner are not who I am, nor are mine who she is. I do not blame her. I do not blame me. If I blame anyone, I blame him. Him who took from her so much. Him who took from her the true Raquel so that I came to know another face put on to protect herself from the truth. Him who left her a shell of a woman when I found her. Him who hurt her so much. Him who I could not protect her from. I now feel an iota of the pain she deals with every night. I hate that she has to deal with it. I want her to be blessed more than anyone. I want her to be treated like a princess, like she deserves. One that is disciplined though. Despite all her hardships. Despite the fact I fell in love with a person that was not fully and truly her because of what was done to her, I love her nonetheless and always shall.

And now they kick in, those pills that have become my dearest friend of late. Now I know I can rest at ease. Now I can sleep. I hope that she can do the same.