Money

I have never had it rough. Always a roof over my head, food for every meal. Recently though, I have felt like I will never be able to enjoy my life. I have so many debts to pay that it feels unbearable sometimes. I owe my parents for 2 cars and a engagement ring, two credit cards that I've nearly maxed out, my own fiance for emergency vet bills, amongst other things. All the while I need to get my car fixed for the winter, save money for not only myself but for a wedding also, and be able to treat my girl to a night on the town once in a while like she deserves. And she deserves so much more than I can offer right now.

Since I am in school, I am extremely limited to a part time job making only $275 a week before taxes. I cannot go back to Fedex to double my income or get a full-time job so that I can support my future wife as I see fit. I cannot surprise her with gifts every now and then. I cannot take her to dinner and a movie at least once a month like we would enjoy doing. I cannot marry her, make her a home, give her a family, spend every minute at home with her, give her land for the horses we both desire, support any more pets that we want, the list goes on.

Even though I am limited in my income, I am not the best handler of those finances like I should be. What do I do instead? Pay the bare minimum on my bills, save nothing, and then spend the rest on myself like a greedy bastard. I spend it on paintball equipment even though the season just ended. I spend it on video games that I don't even have time for now. I spend it on computer parts and electronic toys that I don't need at all. I spend it on DVDs that could have waited until I had the space, time, and money. I do all this and then immediately regret the act.

I do not regret any of the choices I have made for Raquel or our pets. I would have gladly spent 9K instead of 900 on her ring. I would buy her any pet she wanted in an instant so long as we had the space. I feel as though I have let her down tremendously. As though I want to do right by her, but still focus on me instead. And I want to change that.

I would give up all of my hobbies, enjoyments, school, everything if it meant that she were happy and had everything she could want. Because of this, I have been seriously giving up everything - paintball, video games, computers (other than the necessities), a nice car, time to myself, school, and even sleep - in order to obtain multiple jobs to provide for her and makes her dreams of a farm family come true. I don't need all these things to be happy. I would even give up happiness if it meant hers. I would get a full-time job and a part-time job just to give her the money I feel she should have. I want her to live like a queen and I have been a horrible king by denying her. By selfishly spending money on myself when I should be getting us out of debt faster or spending it all on her. All I need in this life is her smiling face and money. And I absolutely hate money.