Yesterday was a good day. The first one since Raquel and I broke up. Had a little down spot right before work. Once I got into work, my buddy did his best to cheer me up the whole day. After that, I walked outside to a beautiful day and instantly felt better. Once I got home, I wanted to be productive around the house, working on things I've let go because of school. Luckily, one of my professors gave me an extension on a final project I missed so I had to work on that instead. I am grateful he did that because I need to pass that class to move forward in my department. For dinner, some friends took me out to Texas Roadhouse. It was a good meal with good friends. They even tried to hook me up with the waitress. A nice gesture, but a bit early. After dinner, I went to see Thor with my family and other friends. It was a good movie. I never read the comic as a kid, so I don't know how true it was to that. Yes, I know, I'm a nerd. Got home around 11:30. We started watching another movie which I quickly fell asleep to.
I woke up around 4am and shuffled my way down to bed. I was woken up by dad asking if I wanted to go to a family friend's funeral. I decided not to so I could get some much needed sleep. I wish he hadn't. I was still exhausted and, once he left, I realized that Raquel wasn't next to me. I realized that she would never wake up next to me again. Not on a Saturday afternoon (when we usually woke up). Not on a Sunday morning to go to church together. Never on those rare weekday mornings where I woke up at 5:30am, kissed her goodbye, and went to work. I wished I had someone to sleep with. It would make it so much easier I bet. In time, God will provide me with a woman that I will love and cherish just as much as I do Raquel. With any luck, it will be her again (here's hoping ;-)). That would make the dating phase so much easier and I wouldn't have to get to know someone all over again.
Today I am working on my project more. It's coming along nicely. I'm quite proud of it. Tonight I am going to a friend's to hang out and play some video games. Something I haven't done since school started. I am looking forward to it. I am doing everything I can to move forward and not dwell on the pain. I know God will take care of me. I know He will heal us so that we can still be friends. I know He will bring a wonderful woman into my life again whoever she may be. All I have to do is trust in Him and take care of myself. I pray every day for healing for the both of us and that I will have a relationship once again. Preferably soon to help with the loneliness. Raquel said she'd help me find another woman which I greatly appreciate. She knows exactly what I'm looking for in a woman. Most of those things I had found in her. So it'll be easy to find someone like herself :-). Now I have to go work on my project so I can pass this class. I pray you all have a good day.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Thursday, May 5, 2011
Alone in the Night
This is when it hurts the most. When I feel the pain of a very large part of my life, of my soul, yanked and ripped from me the most. I seduce sleep to come quickly, knowing it's my only solace between lying my head down and waking the next morning. Pills, TV, a little light, they don't help. I hear their voices in the next room. They sound so distant. I know in a moment's notice, if I call they will be by my side. Yet I feel so alone, so far away from any loved one. Like I have no one to turn to in my time of need. I feel incomplete lying in any bed without her by my side. I can't imagine this being anything like what she went through for almost a year and now has to again.
Even now, in my severe heartache, I cannot stop wanting to protect her with everything I am. I hurt for her that I could not, and can not now protect her the way I want to, completely. She is braver than I am, than I ever will be. I long to hear her voice saying, "come be with me. Come wrap me in your safe, strong arms." I long to feel her fit perfectly in my arms once again. I am thankful every night for the people that watch over her and take care of her for I know I no longer can the way I used to. All I can be now is a dear friend and protect her the way I protect everyone around me. I no longer can protect her like a lover, like my fiancee, like mine. We both hope for more again someday, but neither of us expect it.
I pray earnestly that God's will be done and that He will help us heal quickly. I pray for sleep and comfort for both of us. I pray for any sort of relationship with her once again. I pray that this hurt that I feel, that I know she feels, does not overwhelm her being added to the pain that is already in her heart. I pray that she find someone who can give her what she needs, for I can not now. I was put in her life to save her, I proudly did that. I was not meant to be her life partner, her soulmate. At least not for now. I pray that we belong together in the future, but that is pure selfishness coming out of pain at this point. Out of that same selfishness, I pray the He change us enough to live a life happily together.
She was everything to me. She is everything to me. She was my counterpoint. She balanced me. She was going to be my wife, the mother of my children, the keeper of my home. All of that is gone. Why? Because of something so simple as needs in partners. Her needs in a partner are not who I am, nor are mine who she is. I do not blame her. I do not blame me. If I blame anyone, I blame him. Him who took from her so much. Him who took from her the true Raquel so that I came to know another face put on to protect herself from the truth. Him who left her a shell of a woman when I found her. Him who hurt her so much. Him who I could not protect her from. I now feel an iota of the pain she deals with every night. I hate that she has to deal with it. I want her to be blessed more than anyone. I want her to be treated like a princess, like she deserves. One that is disciplined though. Despite all her hardships. Despite the fact I fell in love with a person that was not fully and truly her because of what was done to her, I love her nonetheless and always shall.
And now they kick in, those pills that have become my dearest friend of late. Now I know I can rest at ease. Now I can sleep. I hope that she can do the same.
Even now, in my severe heartache, I cannot stop wanting to protect her with everything I am. I hurt for her that I could not, and can not now protect her the way I want to, completely. She is braver than I am, than I ever will be. I long to hear her voice saying, "come be with me. Come wrap me in your safe, strong arms." I long to feel her fit perfectly in my arms once again. I am thankful every night for the people that watch over her and take care of her for I know I no longer can the way I used to. All I can be now is a dear friend and protect her the way I protect everyone around me. I no longer can protect her like a lover, like my fiancee, like mine. We both hope for more again someday, but neither of us expect it.
I pray earnestly that God's will be done and that He will help us heal quickly. I pray for sleep and comfort for both of us. I pray for any sort of relationship with her once again. I pray that this hurt that I feel, that I know she feels, does not overwhelm her being added to the pain that is already in her heart. I pray that she find someone who can give her what she needs, for I can not now. I was put in her life to save her, I proudly did that. I was not meant to be her life partner, her soulmate. At least not for now. I pray that we belong together in the future, but that is pure selfishness coming out of pain at this point. Out of that same selfishness, I pray the He change us enough to live a life happily together.
She was everything to me. She is everything to me. She was my counterpoint. She balanced me. She was going to be my wife, the mother of my children, the keeper of my home. All of that is gone. Why? Because of something so simple as needs in partners. Her needs in a partner are not who I am, nor are mine who she is. I do not blame her. I do not blame me. If I blame anyone, I blame him. Him who took from her so much. Him who took from her the true Raquel so that I came to know another face put on to protect herself from the truth. Him who left her a shell of a woman when I found her. Him who hurt her so much. Him who I could not protect her from. I now feel an iota of the pain she deals with every night. I hate that she has to deal with it. I want her to be blessed more than anyone. I want her to be treated like a princess, like she deserves. One that is disciplined though. Despite all her hardships. Despite the fact I fell in love with a person that was not fully and truly her because of what was done to her, I love her nonetheless and always shall.
And now they kick in, those pills that have become my dearest friend of late. Now I know I can rest at ease. Now I can sleep. I hope that she can do the same.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
My heart hurts and is filled with joy at the same time. Since I am an optimist, I will start with the good.
First, Raquel and I are coming up on our one year anniversary. This will only be one year since we've been together and not engaged, but that just means we get two one-year anniversaries this year. I would tell you what I'm getting her, but then she would know and some things I just can't say on here.
Second, we have come to know an amazing man recently. Raquel met him on a writer's forum. He has been a very impactful influence on our lives. He is a wise man with a mentor's attitude. We have come to see him as family.
Lastly, Raquel and I have been closer than ever recently. We had some troubles for a little bit that I will explain later, but we worked through all the things that were wrong and now are better than ever. Because of the trials that God has helped us through, we love each other now more than ever and nothing can separate us.
There's more I want to say, but can't on here.
Now I have to talk about the bad, unfortunately.
The wonderful man that I now view as a brother had his wife leave him. It was a very sad thing because they seemed so much in love. It has torn him apart because he still loves her with all his heart. It has torn Raquel and I apart because we have come to be so close to them. We have done what we can to help him through it, but it's not much.
Because of that, I started doubting myself and, in turn, her. I doubted that I could provide for her. That I could make her happy. That I could give her what she needs. I was depressed because I am not making enough money for us when her stipend stops and I felt like I wasn't giving her enough time and attention. It made me start thinking she was going to leave me. It eventually all came crashing down when one day at work I started thinking about leaving her, thinking that she could find a man that is better off than I and could love her just as much as I do. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Because of her father and past relationships, she fears being left by ones that she loves. Just the thought of me leaving her was more devastating than anyone else actually leaving her.
And the ugly? Well...
First, Raquel and I are coming up on our one year anniversary. This will only be one year since we've been together and not engaged, but that just means we get two one-year anniversaries this year. I would tell you what I'm getting her, but then she would know and some things I just can't say on here.
Second, we have come to know an amazing man recently. Raquel met him on a writer's forum. He has been a very impactful influence on our lives. He is a wise man with a mentor's attitude. We have come to see him as family.
Lastly, Raquel and I have been closer than ever recently. We had some troubles for a little bit that I will explain later, but we worked through all the things that were wrong and now are better than ever. Because of the trials that God has helped us through, we love each other now more than ever and nothing can separate us.
There's more I want to say, but can't on here.
Now I have to talk about the bad, unfortunately.
The wonderful man that I now view as a brother had his wife leave him. It was a very sad thing because they seemed so much in love. It has torn him apart because he still loves her with all his heart. It has torn Raquel and I apart because we have come to be so close to them. We have done what we can to help him through it, but it's not much.
Because of that, I started doubting myself and, in turn, her. I doubted that I could provide for her. That I could make her happy. That I could give her what she needs. I was depressed because I am not making enough money for us when her stipend stops and I felt like I wasn't giving her enough time and attention. It made me start thinking she was going to leave me. It eventually all came crashing down when one day at work I started thinking about leaving her, thinking that she could find a man that is better off than I and could love her just as much as I do. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Because of her father and past relationships, she fears being left by ones that she loves. Just the thought of me leaving her was more devastating than anyone else actually leaving her.
And the ugly? Well...
Saturday, March 5, 2011
New Frontier
Recently, there has been quite a few changes that have been introduced into my life that I am excited about and a little scared of at the same time.
First, my good friend Dustin proposed to me one day that we should go into business together and flip houses. The goal being that we own our own company and can quit Fastenal. As much as we like the place, neither one of us wants to stay there permanently and both of us would like to be our own bosses. I'm very excited about this new endeavor because I have been wanting to flip houses for a while and I don't think I could pick a better business partner. Not only that, but we have many people we can look to for advice and support. My parents have moved/remodeled so many houses that we can learn from their experience. His mom used to own her own business so we can rely on her to handle the finances initially. Dustin's realtor has lots of experience flipping houses, so we can use her until Dustin gets his license. We have two beautiful, wonderful, amazing women who will support us all the way and maybe even work by our sides. We are completely ready for this and believe we will do wonderfully at it.
Second, Raquel and I recently met this amazing couple who are very much like us. She met the husband on a writer's forum. They decided to meet each other just to hang out and it has progressed into a nice friendship for all of us. Marcus (the husband) is very much like me and his wife, Kat, like Raquel. We believe we can learn quite a bit from them and that they will be a wonderful influence in our lives.
Third, Raquel and I decided to get her tattooed with my name in Greek (Ιάκωβος in case you are wondering). Originally, we wanted each others names on our ring fingers so that no matter what, we know, along with the rest of the world, that she is mine and I hers. Although the symbolism and idea is amazing, we found out that tattoos anywhere on the hand will just fade in time. It's understandable, but disappointing. All day today, we've been thinking and talking with others about where else to put them where we will both enjoy it and can easily show people. We thought about the inner wrist, but Raquel is afraid she would faint from the pain because she is very sensitive there, plus it would be hard for her to cover for her vet tech job (assuming the vet doesn't want visible tattoos). Then we thought about the shoulder, neither of us was crazy about it. Kat suggested that we get on the backs of our necks, which we both though is a great place.
So, tomorrow we will go get hers done. I will have to wait until I move out unfortunately because my father believes that tattoos are against God's will. Therefore, if I get one, he stops paying for school which I cannot afford. Her name didn't translate directly into Greek since it is a Spanish variation of Rachel. She looked at Rachel in Greek (Ραχήλ) and adored how it looked. I then mentioned that we would be similar to Jacob and Rachel in the Bible, which would be a very nice thought that we relate to them.
Lastly, but most importantly, is I am marrying the most wonderful, amazing, selfless, loving, caring, beautiful, sexy, compassionate, protective, perfect woman in the world. God made her just for me as evident by our lives and how we match each other perfectly. Plus, I believe we resemble Jacob and Rachel in the Bible very closely which a cool little thing that only God could pull off. I only have to wait one year and eight months until I finally get to call her completely and utterly mine (that's if we don't decide to elope beforehand). She has been my saving grace this week. I have not been sleeping well since Sunday which lead to me being depressed. Foolishly, I started thinking that she would leave me for Marcus because he is such a great guy. She stood by me the whole time and continually told me that no one other than me will replace me because I am perfect for her. I made her upset with how depressed I got, and I felt so horrible for that. It finally clicked that no one will take my place in her heart and that she will always be mine. My lover, my best friend, my comfort, my support, my source for courage, my all.
There are so many new things happening, it's exciting. I hope I am prepared for them all and trust that God leads the two of us down the correct paths in each journey.
First, my good friend Dustin proposed to me one day that we should go into business together and flip houses. The goal being that we own our own company and can quit Fastenal. As much as we like the place, neither one of us wants to stay there permanently and both of us would like to be our own bosses. I'm very excited about this new endeavor because I have been wanting to flip houses for a while and I don't think I could pick a better business partner. Not only that, but we have many people we can look to for advice and support. My parents have moved/remodeled so many houses that we can learn from their experience. His mom used to own her own business so we can rely on her to handle the finances initially. Dustin's realtor has lots of experience flipping houses, so we can use her until Dustin gets his license. We have two beautiful, wonderful, amazing women who will support us all the way and maybe even work by our sides. We are completely ready for this and believe we will do wonderfully at it.
Second, Raquel and I recently met this amazing couple who are very much like us. She met the husband on a writer's forum. They decided to meet each other just to hang out and it has progressed into a nice friendship for all of us. Marcus (the husband) is very much like me and his wife, Kat, like Raquel. We believe we can learn quite a bit from them and that they will be a wonderful influence in our lives.
Third, Raquel and I decided to get her tattooed with my name in Greek (Ιάκωβος in case you are wondering). Originally, we wanted each others names on our ring fingers so that no matter what, we know, along with the rest of the world, that she is mine and I hers. Although the symbolism and idea is amazing, we found out that tattoos anywhere on the hand will just fade in time. It's understandable, but disappointing. All day today, we've been thinking and talking with others about where else to put them where we will both enjoy it and can easily show people. We thought about the inner wrist, but Raquel is afraid she would faint from the pain because she is very sensitive there, plus it would be hard for her to cover for her vet tech job (assuming the vet doesn't want visible tattoos). Then we thought about the shoulder, neither of us was crazy about it. Kat suggested that we get on the backs of our necks, which we both though is a great place.
So, tomorrow we will go get hers done. I will have to wait until I move out unfortunately because my father believes that tattoos are against God's will. Therefore, if I get one, he stops paying for school which I cannot afford. Her name didn't translate directly into Greek since it is a Spanish variation of Rachel. She looked at Rachel in Greek (Ραχήλ) and adored how it looked. I then mentioned that we would be similar to Jacob and Rachel in the Bible, which would be a very nice thought that we relate to them.
Lastly, but most importantly, is I am marrying the most wonderful, amazing, selfless, loving, caring, beautiful, sexy, compassionate, protective, perfect woman in the world. God made her just for me as evident by our lives and how we match each other perfectly. Plus, I believe we resemble Jacob and Rachel in the Bible very closely which a cool little thing that only God could pull off. I only have to wait one year and eight months until I finally get to call her completely and utterly mine (that's if we don't decide to elope beforehand). She has been my saving grace this week. I have not been sleeping well since Sunday which lead to me being depressed. Foolishly, I started thinking that she would leave me for Marcus because he is such a great guy. She stood by me the whole time and continually told me that no one other than me will replace me because I am perfect for her. I made her upset with how depressed I got, and I felt so horrible for that. It finally clicked that no one will take my place in her heart and that she will always be mine. My lover, my best friend, my comfort, my support, my source for courage, my all.
There are so many new things happening, it's exciting. I hope I am prepared for them all and trust that God leads the two of us down the correct paths in each journey.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Money
I have never had it rough. Always a roof over my head, food for every meal. Recently though, I have felt like I will never be able to enjoy my life. I have so many debts to pay that it feels unbearable sometimes. I owe my parents for 2 cars and a engagement ring, two credit cards that I've nearly maxed out, my own fiance for emergency vet bills, amongst other things. All the while I need to get my car fixed for the winter, save money for not only myself but for a wedding also, and be able to treat my girl to a night on the town once in a while like she deserves. And she deserves so much more than I can offer right now.
Since I am in school, I am extremely limited to a part time job making only $275 a week before taxes. I cannot go back to Fedex to double my income or get a full-time job so that I can support my future wife as I see fit. I cannot surprise her with gifts every now and then. I cannot take her to dinner and a movie at least once a month like we would enjoy doing. I cannot marry her, make her a home, give her a family, spend every minute at home with her, give her land for the horses we both desire, support any more pets that we want, the list goes on.
Even though I am limited in my income, I am not the best handler of those finances like I should be. What do I do instead? Pay the bare minimum on my bills, save nothing, and then spend the rest on myself like a greedy bastard. I spend it on paintball equipment even though the season just ended. I spend it on video games that I don't even have time for now. I spend it on computer parts and electronic toys that I don't need at all. I spend it on DVDs that could have waited until I had the space, time, and money. I do all this and then immediately regret the act.
I do not regret any of the choices I have made for Raquel or our pets. I would have gladly spent 9K instead of 900 on her ring. I would buy her any pet she wanted in an instant so long as we had the space. I feel as though I have let her down tremendously. As though I want to do right by her, but still focus on me instead. And I want to change that.
I would give up all of my hobbies, enjoyments, school, everything if it meant that she were happy and had everything she could want. Because of this, I have been seriously giving up everything - paintball, video games, computers (other than the necessities), a nice car, time to myself, school, and even sleep - in order to obtain multiple jobs to provide for her and makes her dreams of a farm family come true. I don't need all these things to be happy. I would even give up happiness if it meant hers. I would get a full-time job and a part-time job just to give her the money I feel she should have. I want her to live like a queen and I have been a horrible king by denying her. By selfishly spending money on myself when I should be getting us out of debt faster or spending it all on her. All I need in this life is her smiling face and money. And I absolutely hate money.
Since I am in school, I am extremely limited to a part time job making only $275 a week before taxes. I cannot go back to Fedex to double my income or get a full-time job so that I can support my future wife as I see fit. I cannot surprise her with gifts every now and then. I cannot take her to dinner and a movie at least once a month like we would enjoy doing. I cannot marry her, make her a home, give her a family, spend every minute at home with her, give her land for the horses we both desire, support any more pets that we want, the list goes on.
Even though I am limited in my income, I am not the best handler of those finances like I should be. What do I do instead? Pay the bare minimum on my bills, save nothing, and then spend the rest on myself like a greedy bastard. I spend it on paintball equipment even though the season just ended. I spend it on video games that I don't even have time for now. I spend it on computer parts and electronic toys that I don't need at all. I spend it on DVDs that could have waited until I had the space, time, and money. I do all this and then immediately regret the act.
I do not regret any of the choices I have made for Raquel or our pets. I would have gladly spent 9K instead of 900 on her ring. I would buy her any pet she wanted in an instant so long as we had the space. I feel as though I have let her down tremendously. As though I want to do right by her, but still focus on me instead. And I want to change that.
I would give up all of my hobbies, enjoyments, school, everything if it meant that she were happy and had everything she could want. Because of this, I have been seriously giving up everything - paintball, video games, computers (other than the necessities), a nice car, time to myself, school, and even sleep - in order to obtain multiple jobs to provide for her and makes her dreams of a farm family come true. I don't need all these things to be happy. I would even give up happiness if it meant hers. I would get a full-time job and a part-time job just to give her the money I feel she should have. I want her to live like a queen and I have been a horrible king by denying her. By selfishly spending money on myself when I should be getting us out of debt faster or spending it all on her. All I need in this life is her smiling face and money. And I absolutely hate money.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Life So Far
Oh boy, blog. Things have been crazy since I started school. Especially now since I started my accelerated CGT classes. Because of my first one, I've been working every weekday and going to school four of those days. Meaning that I only have had the weekends for Raquel, family, and everything else I need/want to do. Luckily, I'm really enjoying school. I adore my computer graphic classes because I get to actually do what I love.
Weekends have been hectic because I want to spend as much time as I can with Raquel while trying to get all my homework done along with whatever else I need to do around the house.
I'm loving my job. It's good money and good work. It helps me help out my wonderful fiance financially when she needs it and buy her little surprises every now and then.
I'm super excited about next year. I'm going to start playing paintball again and have found a new team to run with. This all started when my old team captain randomly talked to me on YIM and told me about this team he started playing with called the Dog Soldiers. He was telling me all about them and they sound like a great team. I'm really excited to get back into it because I love the sport so much. I've been window shopping for everything I want to buy for next year's season.
Not only that, but then I will be able to say that I'm getting married next year.
I'm also in love with the most wonderful woman in the world. We share our love of animals together, we're planning all the things we want in our house, and we're planning our wedding.
I love my life and I wouldn't change a thing (except maybe more money ;)).
Weekends have been hectic because I want to spend as much time as I can with Raquel while trying to get all my homework done along with whatever else I need to do around the house.
I'm loving my job. It's good money and good work. It helps me help out my wonderful fiance financially when she needs it and buy her little surprises every now and then.
I'm super excited about next year. I'm going to start playing paintball again and have found a new team to run with. This all started when my old team captain randomly talked to me on YIM and told me about this team he started playing with called the Dog Soldiers. He was telling me all about them and they sound like a great team. I'm really excited to get back into it because I love the sport so much. I've been window shopping for everything I want to buy for next year's season.
Not only that, but then I will be able to say that I'm getting married next year.
I'm also in love with the most wonderful woman in the world. We share our love of animals together, we're planning all the things we want in our house, and we're planning our wedding.
I love my life and I wouldn't change a thing (except maybe more money ;)).
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
She's Taking My Name!
So one day, Raquel tells me that she doesn't want to take my name because she's afraid of losing who she is now. This was a shock to me because, like most people, I assumed she would take my name like most other women do. I won't lie and say it didn't crush my heart a little. I think it was more because of the suddenness of it than anything.
I used to always think that women who hyphenated their names or even never took their husbands' name were just crazy feminazis who didn't want to give in to society or feel like the husband was in complete control. I got to thinking about it after she said that and came to realize that it is a justifiable fear. It may not seem like it, especially to men like myself, but I'm sure changing who you are is very frightening.
Because of this, I told her to look into it. Why is it tradition that women take men's names? Why did her/my mother do it? What's the meaning behind it? I told her after she found out and made a knowledgeable decision, I would support her.
We found this article where the (woman) writer talked in great detail about how the tradition came to be, what it's purpose was, etc. and at the very end in a closing note, she wrote that she chose to take her husband's name because not only does she love and respect him, but also God and what he has given to us in the form of marriage. This spoke to Raquel and gave her a different view on the matter. For that reason alone, not because the state/country says you should, not because government says you should, or even for tradition, but for the love and respect of our God and me, my angel of a fiance who God sent to me is choosing to take my name upon marriage.
To read her story, go here.
I used to always think that women who hyphenated their names or even never took their husbands' name were just crazy feminazis who didn't want to give in to society or feel like the husband was in complete control. I got to thinking about it after she said that and came to realize that it is a justifiable fear. It may not seem like it, especially to men like myself, but I'm sure changing who you are is very frightening.
Because of this, I told her to look into it. Why is it tradition that women take men's names? Why did her/my mother do it? What's the meaning behind it? I told her after she found out and made a knowledgeable decision, I would support her.
We found this article where the (woman) writer talked in great detail about how the tradition came to be, what it's purpose was, etc. and at the very end in a closing note, she wrote that she chose to take her husband's name because not only does she love and respect him, but also God and what he has given to us in the form of marriage. This spoke to Raquel and gave her a different view on the matter. For that reason alone, not because the state/country says you should, not because government says you should, or even for tradition, but for the love and respect of our God and me, my angel of a fiance who God sent to me is choosing to take my name upon marriage.
To read her story, go here.
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