The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

My heart hurts and is filled with joy at the same time. Since I am an optimist, I will start with the good.

First, Raquel and I are coming up on our one year anniversary. This will only be one year since we've been together and not engaged, but that just means we get two one-year anniversaries this year. I would tell you what I'm getting her, but then she would know and some things I just can't say on here.

Second, we have come to know an amazing man recently. Raquel met him on a writer's forum. He has been a very impactful influence on our lives. He is a wise man with a mentor's attitude. We have come to see him as family.

Lastly, Raquel and I have been closer than ever recently. We had some troubles for a little bit that I will explain later, but we worked through all the things that were wrong and now are better than ever. Because of the trials that God has helped us through, we love each other now more than ever and nothing can separate us.

There's more I want to say, but can't on here.

Now I have to talk about the bad, unfortunately.

The wonderful man that I now view as a brother had his wife leave him. It was a very sad thing because they seemed so much in love. It has torn him apart because he still loves her with all his heart. It has torn Raquel and I apart because we have come to be so close to them. We have done what we can to help him through it, but it's not much.

Because of that, I started doubting myself and, in turn, her. I doubted that I could provide for her. That I could make her happy. That I could give her what she needs. I was depressed because I am not making enough money for us when her stipend stops and I felt like I wasn't giving her enough time and attention. It made me start thinking she was going to leave me. It eventually all came crashing down when one day at work I started thinking about leaving her, thinking that she could find a man that is better off than I and could love her just as much as I do. It was the biggest mistake I have ever made. Because of her father and past relationships, she fears being left by ones that she loves. Just the thought of me leaving her was more devastating than anyone else actually leaving her.

And the ugly? Well...